National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day- October 15

National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day offers a day of remembrance to parents, family and friends for pregnancy loss and infant death. 

Pregnancy loss and infant death may include but are not limited to miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS or the death of a new born. 

 I have a reason to reflect on this day as I went through pregnancy loss. A lot of mothers don't usually share their story. However, I believe it helps in the healing process. 

Four years ago, I had to do a medical abortion because my son had a rare medical condition. I was four months pregnant at the time. It was the most devastating experience that I went through.  As I reflect on the journey, I just want to thank God for his grace and mercy as He kept me during my lowest. 

I kept questioning and asking why it had to happen to me and I tried to replay all the ways that I could've had a healthy child. However, now I know that it was God's will for it to happen. 

After going through that ordeal, It prepared me to be mentally stronger and it made me more prepared for the birth of my daughter who is a really a blessing to me. 

This is an excerpt from a chapter in my book when I was admitted in the hospital:

"In the evening, I discussed the matter with Brian and we came to the conclusion that going to Kingston would be too much of a hassle. We already knew that he had the abnormalities and we didn’t want to do any further testing. We thought we had exhausted our time at one hospital to move on to another one. 

January 15th arrived and I spoke to the Senior doctor. I told her that I have decided to terminate the pregnancy. She told me that I could also go to Kingston to do further testing before proceeding. I told her that this would not be necessary. She asked her Assistant to go for a consent form for me to sign that I authorize them to go ahead and terminate the pregnancy. I signed the form with her being a witness along with another nurse. It felt like I was committing a serious crime. 

On January 18, 2016, Dr. Lewis inserted 4 pills inside my cervix and told me that the foetus will slowly be expelled. However, that night was like no other.  I was filled with nausea and I quickly fetched for my bed pan as the hospital food from the previous day kept showing its ugly head. My entire body was afflicted with pain. I paced the floor for the entire night hoping that the unbearable pain would go away. Although I was in labour pains, no one heard me scream. I took it like a boxer. In the morning when I managed to wake up, I felt my stomach and noticed that Nolan had shifted a bit. I wondered if he was now dead inside of me.

I asked the nurse if this will be life threatening for me as I am really concerned. However, she told me that babies have died in women even for a day and they turned out to be okay. I didn’t find her answer to be reassuring and I began to wonder if she was in the right field or if she had any regard for her fellow women.

Later in the morning, a doctor  and her interns came to check my cervix and she was surprised that the pills did not do any damage. “This cervix is green!” The doctor exclaimed. They were all discussing the reason and theorized that it is because it was my first child."

My journey in the hospital was a battle ground for me. Other women spoke death over my life, the nurses were impatient and rude. However, today I can boldly say that God has been faithful to me and I am alive and well to a mother of a beautiful girl who calls me 'Supermom'. 

For all the mothers that lost a child just know that God will bless you with another child. He is a miracle working God and He does things in His own timing. Put your trust in Him and He will comfort you and give you the desires of your heart.